Pastor Kate's Blog - Reflection of "See No Stranger" - Chapter Six

I love this chapter! I think this is part of the prophetic work that the church is called to do. I agree with Kaur, we can’t just resist things – we have to have a vision of what we want the world to change into. As a Christian, that world for me is based on the profound truth that all people are beloved children of God.

One of the practices Kaur suggests in the study guide is to imagine the world you want to see. Maybe this is something we could do together as a community – giving us an image to inspire and guide our actions.

Here’s an example of part of what I imagine in a different world. As I’ve been watching the Olympics, I’ve been saddened by the coverage. I understand that I’m watching U.S. coverage so, of course, it’s U.S. centric, but I feel like we’re missing the point. For me the Olympics is about celebrating sporting excellence and achievement from around the globe – not medal counts and the U.S. triumphing. Actually, I feel this way at most sporting events (maybe with the exception of a Red Sox/Yankee game – that rivalry was ingrained in me from a very young age). Why can’t we celebrate great athletes and athletic achievement across the board – not just whether they play for our team or not. Why don’t we cheer for great sports, great plays, great efforts - instead of a team and the outcome of a competition. I guess this is a silly example, but hopefully you get the idea. This would be a radical shift from our culture of affiliation and taking care of/rooting for our own and winning as the goal. What if winning wasn’t the goal. What if the goal was enjoying the game – what if the goal was to have fun!

Playing competitive sports for fun may seem trite, but I actually think it’s the kind of thing that has the potential to transform our relationships with others.

During my sabbatical I’ve been thinking a lot of how the church functions as an institution and why the institution came into being. I wonder how our existence might change if we reimagined the institution’s purpose and role. We have done some of this at First Parish – but we could do more. How do things change when you move from wanting to get people to come into the church so their lives might be changed to wanting to reach people outside the church so that their lives might be changed. How can we focus outward and let go of the anxiety of getting more people in the doors? How does our institution change when we move to championing revolutionary love and we celebrate its expression anywhere we witness it – not just in the United Church of Christ.

On a personal note – I have about 4 weeks left in my sabbatical and am so grateful for this time away. My family and I have done lots of camping in our new travel trailer. We’ve spent lots of time with friends. And my favorite thing so far is a reinvigorated connection to my bike. I started biking again regularly in early June and am falling in love with biking all over again. I am feeling physically better than I’ve felt in years. I am also practicing spontaneity. As many of you know, I’m a planner. But this summer, I’m working hard on staying in the moment and seeing what opportunities present themselves. It’s been a blast! So thank you for this gift of time to rest and renew and I look forward to seeing all of you in late August.

Pastor Kate's Blog - Reflection of "See No Stranger" - Chapter Five

Listening can be an action you take in service of wondering. I appreciate the reminder from Kaur that you don’t have to feel empathy or compassion to listen, you just have to choose to wonder. Kaur says, “I do not owe my opponents my affection, warmth, or regard. But I do owe myself a chance to live in this world without the burden of hate.” I assume what she is suggesting is that when we hear other people, when we understand their humanity better, it is harder for us to hate them.

“Deep listening is an act of surrender. We risk being changed by what we hear.” I wonder if this is why we are so resistant to listening – we are resistant to change. Listening requires us to be vulnerable instead of defensive – which means listening requires us to feel safe. I appreciate the reminder that there may be times when we don’t feel safe enough to engage in a conversation and that’s ok.

“The most critical part of listening is asking what is at stake for the other person. I try to understand what matters to them.” I don’t know if I agree with this statement. I think understanding what is at stake is important and can be transformative to me as a listener, but I also think it can be calculated. Now that I know what is at stake for you – I can try to take actions to move you towards doing what I want you to do (kind of like marketing with higher stakes).

I love these practical suggestions offered by Kaur:

• When listening is difficult, slow down. Focus on the next breath, the sensations in your body, the ground beneath your feet. Ask yourself if you are safe. If so, release the expectation to defend yourself or your beliefs, and aim to wonder about the person you are listening to.

• Consider asking a genuine question. Remember that the goal of listening is not about granting legitimacy to someone else’s beliefs. The goal is to understand another person, and to preserve their humanity as well as our own.

• If you are able and ready to listen, you can start small. You do not need to choose your most challenging opponents to listen to. You can start by practicing wonder, building small bridges of understanding with the people closest to you, and strengthening your listening skills like a muscle, one conversation at a time.

Pastor Kate's Blog - Reflection of "See No Stranger" - Chapter Four

I wonder how we, how the church, can help create opportunities for people to explore their rage safely.

What does it take to explore rage? Is there something cathartic about sharing rage with each other?

Rage points to our understanding of the world. What we value. What we want. What we don’t want. To understand rage though I wonder if we have to have a conversation with it. Is it possible that we don’t even know what our own rage is about? I appreciate Kaur’s reminder to consider, what information does my rage carry?

How can we honor rage and not shut it down? Kaur mentions that people often use civility as an excuse to silence people. How do we guard against that instinct? How can we create a community that feels secure enough to make space for and listen to the rage of others? How can we help one another process the information we receive when we allow the rage to be expressed?

Kaur talks about evil coming from being wounded not being innate. I am surprised to find myself questioning this assertion. I don’t believe people are inherently evil, but I think I do believe we are capable of doing evil things without being wounded. I find myself thinking back to the story of Adam and Eve. I’m not sure there is evidence of them being wounded before they fail to take responsibility for their actions when questioned by God. I think this points to the complexity of our inner life and my belief that we have free will. If we truly have free will – we have to have the ability to choose good or ill.

I find Kaur’s idea of destroying projections of people who have hurt us to be useful and free. It helps me separate myself from the harm – it helps soften my heart towards those who have caused the harm. This does not dismiss or excuse the harm but transforms my inner relationship with the opponent.

I hold my stress in my chest and in my jaw and I notice when I consider how my opponent’s life experiences may have contributed to their actions, my chest and jaw open up and loosen a bit. I am able to feel sadness and wonder rather than fear and shame and anger. The passing of time helps make this transformation possible. Because I feel confident and secure in who I am, I am able to do this processing. I couldn’t have done it when I felt vulnerable and alone. How can we create spaces that contribute to people’s sense of confidence and security – that they are beloved children of God?